That’s right folks – I’m not a real atheist. I’m writing this manifesto so that if (or when) I ever do anything stupid, other atheists can point at me and say I’m not a real atheist. It was the person (me) who was the moron and my atheism had nothing to do with it.

I admit that Richard Dawkins’ God Delusion is not sitting prominently on my bookshelf. Christopher Hitchens’ various debates and videos are not on my desktop for easier viewing. I will listen to deists and theists debate God and even take their arguments seriously.

I have read the Bible more than once and find religion and the various ideas that religion has to offer fascinating. I’ve been inside a church and as much as it hurts to admit…I liked it. I have religious friends. I entertain thoughts about the supernatural, like ghosts and the human spirit. I even like myths! If someone were to look into my archived articles here on NV, you’d find articles about things like the Ark of the Covenant, even.

To make matters worse, I have a set of moral codes that I try to uphold, even though I don’t believe that the Bible is the source of all morality. I think it’s possible that Jesus was a real man, although I don’t think that if he did walk the Earth that he was the son of God. I contemplate about whether or not we have a spirit and wonder if there is anything besides a void after the life leaves my body.

To compound my blasphemy, I dislike Richard Dawkins, although I will listen to what he has to say. I don’t even know why I dislike him, besides a gut feeling I get whenever I see his face. How illogical and un-atheist is that of me!?

Wait…there’s more.

I celebrate Christmas and I even call it Christmas and not Holidays. I say ‘Merry Christmas’ to people around Christmas time. If someone is Jewish, I don’t mind in the least if they say ‘Happy Hanukah’ to me. I will probably say something like, ‘Happy Hanukah to you too’, and then smile with good cheer. I call Easter…well…Easter. I celebrate that holiday too.

I’m not a member of American Atheists. I didn’t even know they existed until I sat down to write this article. I also didn’t know there was a list of atheist authors on Wikipedia. I should have known. It’s only logical since Wiki has stuff on almost everything humanly imaginable. If I were a real atheist, I’d know this kind of stuff.

As you can surely see, I’m a horrible atheist. I don’t follow many of the stereotypes given to them. I am awash in un-atheist behavior.

Then again, I doubt this manifesto will ever be taken seriously. If I were to do something horrible (God forbid – see! More un-atheist activity right there) I would not be able to hide behind the ‘he’s not a real atheist’ label.

It seems only religious people get to do that - He’s not a real atheist would never be taken seriously.

Whenever I see Christians (in this case) say that someone isn’t a ‘real Christian’, I rub my head and shake it too. Then I wonder if they would consider the Pope a Christian, even after he said: “In the 1970s, pedophilia was theorized as something fully in conformity with man and even with children,” and then went on to say that pedophilia wasn’t an “absolute evil.”

Surely…the Pope is a real Christian. Right?

This is the guy that Catholics give donations too and look too for spiritual and moral guidance? This is the guy that I see in the newspaper on a regular basis preaching about ethics and we’re supposed to take him seriously?

In a perfect world, every pedophile priest would be prosecuted and stripped of their rank. The Pope would be thrown out on his white clad ass for spewing such stupid, heinous and irresponsible garbage. And it would be those ‘real Christians’ who threw him out.

Let’s all drop the ’real Christian’ crap and call a spade a spade. If someone believes in Jesus and God and reads the Bible but uses the passages found within to back up their own desires, they’re still real Christians. The Pope is a real Christian. Bachman – you guessed it – real Christian. Perry, evangelicals and fundamentalist – real Christians.

And I guess I’m a real atheist after all.